The Meaning of Forgiveness

I find a lot of inspiration in strange places. For example, I just learned a valuable lesson about forgiving from the film Indecent Proposal.

This movie came out in 1993 and earned $266 million worldwide. Besides having an interesting cast—Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford (the billionaire making the offer)—it has an intriguing premise: What would you do if someone offered a million dollars for one night with your wife? (That the film won 3 Razzies, including Worst Picture, is beside the point).

Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore make the deal, but after much strife between them, Woody comes to an important understanding. Watch:



For re-iteration, here's the takeaway quote: "The things that people in love do to each other they will always remember. And if they stay together, it’s not because they forget, but because they forgive."

This is profound to me. And I've translated it into this principle:

Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing.
Think of the wrongs that people have done to you in the past. Could/can you still be close to them, knowing you will never forget what they did? If the answer is yes, then you've forgiven them. I think sometimes, in our neverending quest for perfection, we wish to be free from bad memories or any imperfect thoughts. But that seems like a recipe for loneliness and anxiety.

How forgiveness can improve the meaning of your relationships

Dale Carnegie, an early-20th-century pioneer in personality development, described a method for delivering censure or criticism to employees. In The Leader in You he suggested that before you criticize a negative fault, make sure you have mentally kept track of three strengths of that employee. This accomplishes a few good things. First, it keeps you honest and objective in your assessment of your employees, ensuring you aren't biased toward pointing out faults. Second, it pushes your management style toward encouraging the strengths of your employees. This is expedient because you can squeeze more from employees by bringing out their positives rather than suppressing their negatives.

This technique has implications beyond business and into your personal life by teaching forgiveness and gratitude.

Before you harbor a grudge or think about lashing out, see if you can come up with three positive traits of the target person.

Like in business management, this process produces several great benefits.

First, it makes it easier to forgive the transgression (should forgiving be the right approach). Second, since the person's negatives are buffered by many more positives, communication takes place more comfortably. Thirdly, this process helps you appreciate your loved ones.

Forgivness and gratitude, as Seligman and MANY others have suggested, are useful traits in obtaining happiness. So observe, analyze, and apply this strategy.