AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: How to confront someone DATE: 1:02 PM ----- BODY: What to do about a neighbor who looked through your mail?

This suggestion by ND¢ stood out to me:
... it also may help to give him a way out.

"Hi Jim. My mother-in-law tells me that she saw you opening our mailbox while walking your dog last Wednesday about 11:00 am. Were you returning some of our mail delivered to you by mistake?"
"Give him a way out." I love that idea.

In other words, it helps to be willfully vague when making an accusation. As a designer at a video game company, there were so many times when you'd bumped up against someone else's code, and have to point out someone's mistakes. As a result, we used lots of indirect comments like, "What's on this character's back?" "How did fixing that bug go?" "Do you want to me to tell quality assurance to double-check that?" These comments are, in some way, borderline passive-aggressive, when they're actually necessary to smooth out communication.

Our design department was also notorious for joking around at the office. I wonder if we'd be at each other's throats otherwise.

It always helps to leave room for a charitable interpretation. I asked my friend in college, who I wanted to accuse of trash-talking, "You know, you were talking about our friend the other day. I was wondering if you could walk me through that. Because an uncharitable interpretation is that you were talking behind his back." He quickly back-pedaled, told me that him and our friend go way back, always with ups and downs, and that his criticism was more of a familial critique. That put me at ease, and I also feel I got through to him.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: A little prod to your creativity DATE: 2:48 AM ----- BODY:
If you do things the way you've always done them, then you will get the results you've always gotten.

It is my belief that happiness has more to do with where you're going than where you're at. This is why creativity is so important. Creativity, we forget, comes from the word create, just as recreation is a form of re-creation. By constantly re-creating ourselves, we move ourselves a little bit further. It's very important to keep your creative skills sharp.

After I submit this post onto my blog, I will walk to my car without my shoes on and leave my cell phone at home. *gasp* I can almost hear the gasps. See, I'm trying get into the habit of poking little holes into my comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone is a recipe for unhappiness. What would happen if you tried going for a walk without your shoes on? What would happen if you left your cell phone at home for once? If you're debating this, and even if you choose not to go, consider it an exercise. By constantly challenging ourselves, we continue to re-create ourselves.

Further Reading:

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Roger von Oech DATE:2/18/09 5:22 PM What if you didn't do ANY social media (Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc.) for two weeks?

Would you go out more? Attend more meetings and events? Call up a friend you haven't talked with for six months? Volunteer?

Would a lot of things you think are important just fall away into insignificance?

Would your hands start shaking after two days? ----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: Negative-space thinking and its application to The 7 Habits DATE: 6:41 PM ----- BODY: If I was a psychotherapist, I would include this in my mission statement:
My goal is to help my patients, if possible, live wonderful lives without my help.

Here's the same thought applied to the medical field: one of the goals for doctors, medicine, and hospitals, should be to bring you to a state where you don't need them. When you check in for something, the doctor prescribes you something to take care of the problem now. But they don't really prescribe you something that will make sure you never need to come back. Preventative healthcare seems inherently underdelivered.

Here's how I got this idea: After reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I thought to myself, "there are some people who wouldn't ever need to read a book like this." There are people who are already centered. There are people who naturally practice win/win thinking. Why? Were they just raised better? Is it their temperament? How do I become that person?

This pattern of thinking could be termed, "the negative space approach to self-development." Look at this picture, for example. What do you see?



This is a classic figure-ground optical illusion. It takes a second for your mind to switch between seeing the vase versus the two faces.

A similar duality exists in healing; a kind of cause-symptom illusion. Having to take medicine is itself a kind of symptom. Whenever we reach for help, whether in the form of a self-help book, a couples counselor, or meds, we should be thinking about the meaning of our actions. Is our action a cure, symptom, placebo, or a combination thereof?

Here's this thinking applied to 7 Habits: The book has an overarching theme of principle-centered living, but shouldn't we ponder those people who don't need principles?

People who don't need principles don't need hard rules to live by. These people just may be more "intelligent." According to Sternberg's Triarchic Theory of Intelligence, there are three main areas of intelligence. Two of them we're generally familiar with: analytical and creative intelligence. But the third one is interesting: contextual intelligence. Contextual intelligence is, as its name suggests, about putting everything into context. Contextual thinkers don't look at traits in isolation. They look at what surrounds them.

Contextual thinkers, theoretically, wouldn't really need principles. A principle, in my understanding, is a context-free rule.

Actually, in a way, contextual thinkers seem to uphold a meta-principle that kind of annihilates principle-centered thinking:

The ultimate solution to everything should be case-by-case.

Sometimes, when you ask people for advice, they respond, "well, it's case-by-case." This usually happens when you ask a question that is too general, such as, "Should I only date men older than me?" A flexible, contextual, thinker would respond, "Well, that all depends." A rigid thinker would respond, "Never."

People with autistic spectrum disorder, in particular Asperger's syndrome (fyi: take the AQ Test) tend to have rigid thinking. They would, according to Triarchic Theory, have a poverty of contextual intelligence. They tend to, for example, treat questions literally, and don't weigh in other factors, such as the emotions of the asker.

Further Reading:

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: A universal principle for socializing DATE: 12:48 PM ----- BODY:
Empathy should precede all social interaction.

This is something I learned later in life: before I continue with any social interaction, I make sure that I hold the other person's feelings in my heart.

People with poor social skills often forget they're talking to another person. Communicating is often a functional process.

Here are some scenarios, with the function in italics.

"Oh man, I'm tired."
"Why don't you sleep more?"

providing a solution


"I think we should go with plan B."
"That's a stupid idea."

describing an observation


"I like this band."
"They're okay."

correcting a misstatement


"I want to be a psychologist."
"I hate psychologists."

mentioning personal opinion

This kind of communication is really unpleasant to be around. It's also not a great way to make friends.

By practicing empathy, you avoid simple functional responses. You start to move beyond simply responding to the content of someone's speech, and into responding to the person. This is similar to Martin Buber's I-Thou vs. I-It model of relationships. By doing this, you feel like you're speaking to the person and not at them. You treat others like a human being, and as a result, authentic bonds begin to form.

How do I practice empathy? I look at people's tone, their body language, and the flow of words, and try to imagine what they're feeling. Once I have that in my mind, then I know I can speak confidently.

Initially, I had to exercise myself to get in the habit. I even read The Definitive Book of Body Language so that I could pick up cues properly.

I discovered that other people successfully went through this transformation as well. A middle-aged friend of mine told me how he reformed himself. He's really into computers, and said that growing up, he was very anti-social. He said that comments he made would rub people the wrong way, and that he was really unpleasant to be around. This made it difficult for him to form relationships and limited his career possibilities. But then he made a conscious effort to read body language. If you pay attention to how he operates, you can see that he's deeply processing your tone, feelings, and overall demeanor. Now he's a (friendly) manager, married, and is going to be a dad soon.

Some are born naturally empathetic, and others learn to develop it over time. People with autistic spectrum disorders, like Asperger's, have a poverty of empathy. But I believe it can be trained.

Empathy doesn't have to be a serious, self-conscious process either. For me, my method eventually evolved into a red flag-style mechanism. My intuition seems to perk up when a social interaction enters risky territory, and I double-check to make sure I've engaged my empathy. Or sometimes, my intuition will perk up when I'm drifting off into a functional mode of communication, and I make sure I bring the other person into focus.

When I was younger, I didn't have any habitual empathy. I remember hurting people's feelings with my so-called "abrasiveness." To me, I was just telling the truth. I was chided repeatedly, "Phil, why don't you think before you speak?"

So I practiced rehearsing my words in my head before saying them. But what I found is that my conversations flowed unnaturally. The whole process made me too self-conscious. And so I abandoned the practice, and compensated with being cautious all the time. I cite this for giving me a post-adolescent onset of social anxiety.

The simple rule of keeping empathy ever-present, has made me both socially confident and more socially effective.

Further Reading:

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Roger von Oech DATE:2/12/09 9:08 PM Comment: "Oh man, I'm tired."
Response: "I feel so sorry for you. Do you want a backrub? That would make you feel better."

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Perhaps that's too much empathy!

Anyway, provocative post, Phil. I'll share it with Wendy.

Are you familiar with the Enneagram? I'm an 8, and so I can always use a little more compassion when dealing with others.

Your comments about your interactions in your younger years are informative. I think my mental circuity (your metaphor, as described in your sidebar introduction) would fry if I did that too much.

On the other hand: ideas are great if you don't have to implement them. But if you do, you need other people to help. Thus, effective communication is an important tool for implementing one's ideas. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Philosophistry DATE:2/12/09 9:18 PM "Oh man, I'm tired."
"Why don't you sleep more?"

providing a solution


This example is me responding to one of my crushes in 6th grade. She thought I was cute, which isn't how I wanted her to think of me.

Nowadays, this is my response:

"Oh man, I'm tired."
"Oh yeah?"

showing interest ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Philosophistry DATE:2/12/09 9:49 PM By cute, I mean, she thought my comment was, "aaw, how cute" ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Wendy von Oech DATE:2/14/09 12:31 PM I especially appreciate your reflections on the heart as a place of awareness. You tap into your heart to make decisions (meaning of life posts) and also expand your heart to hold the feelings of others.

I also like the name of your Blog, "Self-Programming." You are intentionally putting these ideas into your mind, heart and being to be expressed in your life.

Can you write a post on what you might be deleting? As I get older, I find that much of my journey now is getting rid of habits, ideas, beliefs, fears that no longer serve me.

Thanks also for your co-creating with Roger! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Philosophistry DATE:2/14/09 12:45 PM Thanks for the comments Wendy! Hmm, yes, I think I have some material and ideas on the deleting aspect. There's a lot of ingrained beliefs that we develop that provide a scaffold for desired behavior. Something I alluded to in this post, for example, is how I compensated for being unable to measure my words with being cautious and socially anxious. That served me well back then, but I've found it to be more of a burden now that I've gained some maturity. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger SarahQB DATE:2/17/09 11:55 PM Interesting post. I think sometimes that I've moved from overly empathetic to more abrasive. Have you thought about how gender plays a role? Especially in professional settings? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Philosophistry DATE:2/18/09 12:13 AM Hmm, I haven't given much thought to the gender-side of the issue, but I vaguely remember reading an article that women in business over-compensate for their perceived softness by being extra tough. This matches my anecdotal observation in corporate settings.

I've given a lot of thought to the role of power, though. I find that the higher-ups in management tend to be less empathetic and more commanding in general.

Also, in a relationship where one person is more dominant (whether female or male) than the other one, the weaker one will be more empathetic.

This can simply be explained that when you have power, you don't need to be empathetic to get what you want.

However, even if you're very bossy, being empathetic will still make it easier to command. Empathy can be used for both good and bad. By virtue of my principle, I want to make the case that the act of empathy itself is good.

It also depends on the role you're in. Surgeons have low empathy because their patients are usually asleep by the time they operate. They can therefore eschew bedside manner and bark orders at the nurses, who constantly think surgeons are jerks.

I forget where I read it, but apparently one of the strongest correlators of whether a doctor's patients will recuperate better will be the quality of the doctor's bedside manner. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: The greatest love of all DATE: 6:50 PM ----- BODY: There is hidden wisdom in seemingly cliché advice. Even if the expressions don't have an impact on you, if you watch the eyes of people who say them, you can see the words locking into place like keys. Here are some examples:
These clichés are so prevalent that they come at you like an echo throughout your life. You start to wonder if the world is trying to tell you something.

One cliché in particular has to do with loving yourself. You hear it in different forms:
If you really want to drive home a message, engage more than one sense. This video by Whitney Houston drives the point home:



While there is wisdom in something simple like, "love thyself," the message is a little incomplete. It lacks a "Why?" Why should I love myself? If you give a concept meaningful reasoning, then it starts to form a principle.

Here is a principle that I discovered that captures the importance of self-love:

How can you take care of yourself, if you don't love yourself?

If you don't love yourself, then you start to treat yourself poorly. This makes you unhappy, which by extension, makes you unhappy at yourself. As you can see, this is a vicious cycle. You will often find that those who are constantly struggling in their lives, also have poor self-evaluations. They simply keep burdening themselves with stresses and worries. For example, if you constantly think you're not "good enough," you will never feel like you deserve the finer comforts in life. If you can't stand to look at yourself, then you are likely to abandon taking care of yourself.

The people who maintain themselves and their level of happiness the best, are the same people who have an abundance of positive feeling toward themselves. It's hard to have one without the other.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: What is the meaning of life? DATE: 4:11 PM ----- BODY:
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Viktor Frankl's, Man's Search for Meaning, is one of the most intriguing books I've read. The book basically revolves around the idea that humans have an innate, core desire for meaning. In the book, he introduces the concept of the "Sunday neurosis." When people finally pause at the end of the weekend, and have nothing to do, they may experience a sudden sense of meaninglessness. This is a phenomenon that I can relate to.

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But what is meaning? That book doesn't go into detail on how exactly one can find meaning in life. And the elephant-in-the-room question is, "What is Viktor Frankl's meaning?" Turns out Viktor Frankl's meaning in life is to help other people find meaning. How convenient.

But I figured out a simple tool that can help approximate a meaningful life. You simply ask your heart, "is this meaningful?" I found it easy to get reliable answers from my heart.

And so I took an inventory of all possible directions I could take my career, and I put a check-mark next to each one that I found, in my heart, seemed meaningful. Afterward, I then started stacking my work-flow with meaningful projects.

So far so good.

3

But then, there were further questions. There was something lacking in my calculation. What makes something meaningful? All I had was a feeling I could tap internally that evaluated a thumbs-up or thumbs-down on meaning. When is something more meaningful than others? And what if my internal judging mechanism is off a little bit?

These problems came to fore when I had two projects that were both meaningful. I found myself naturally favoring one over the other, but I couldn't tell why. Somehow my meaningfulness-measure lacked predictive power.

But now, I think I figured out the extra sauce that makes meaningfulness more... well... meaningful. The extra sauce is "purpose."

If there's anything I got from The Purpose Driven Life, it's this principle:

There can be no meaning without purpose.

Using Sartre's thought experiment in Existentialism Is a Humanism, let's look at the case of the knife. If you were an alien and discovered a knife floating across the universe, what would you think? You'd notice the ridges, you'd notice that it was sharp, and you'd notice that it was connected to a blunt cylindrical portion. But without knowing what the purpose of the knife is, you wouldn't know the meaning of those features. If you knew the knife's purpose—that it's for cutting—then you'd understand that that the ridges are meant for something. Everything about the knife suddenly makes sense. The handle is meant for gripping. The sharp edge is meant for slicing and dicing.

Likewise, if you know what your purpose is, then you'll know the meaning of all of your features. Everything you do finally gets a context. You'll be able to answer the question, "Why was I born talented in this one area, but not so good at this other thing?"

Focusing on the purpose of what you do re-balances and centers your motivations. Every opportunity we encounter will have a completely different composition. One project may pay better, but doesn't use your motivated talents. Or another project may pay less, have less pleasant co-workers, but is related to some life-long dreams you've had. When the number of dimensions start piling up, you need a device to unify the decision-making process. If you know the "why?" of what you're doing, then it puts everything into context. Why do you need money? Why do you need more money? Why do you need to work in such-and-such field? It all depends on purpose.

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