AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: autocidal goal, i.e. goals that undo themselves (this post becomes autocidal in the end anyway) DATE: 4:19 PM ----- BODY: autocidal goals are goals that seek to undo the goals that spawned the goal in the first place.

This is the most tricky concept with regard to self-programming that I've come up with. It's in a way, like manual surrender.

For example, these are my goals: "I want to be more social, have better thinking, be more successful, be healthier, be happier" It seems like I've tried everything. After five years at attempts at the same problems, I noticed that I was looping in about 6-month cycles. Every 6 months, I'd be repeating some solution I tried before. So I tried to come up with an anti-loop.

I decided to make a fundamental shift in my character, knowing that this could also change the nature of the original goal in themselves.

The one that I stuck on was "self-acceptance." I should just accept who I am, accept my levels of sociality, my mental skills, my level of success, my health, etc.. That was initially a novel way for me to approach my problems. If I accepted myself, maybe I would be more confident and therefore more social. If I accepted my limitations, I would understand myself better and therefore be more successful and healthier.

However, what "self-acceptance" when taken to its full extent is actually is an undoing of the original goals in the first place. If you accept yourself, you are basically saying that being more social, being healthier, and being a better thinker are not necessary anymore.

So it's like my approach to my goal for improvement was to try an un-goal of accepting myself, which in actuality is getting rid of my goal for improvement.

It's like I took a temporary route using my existing self in order to undo myself. Like, I don't think I could've given up outright, I had to use my existing goal-framework in order to pick a goal that was autocidal, and that has undid my original goal-framework.

In a way, that is change. True change even changes the hand that changes. You depend on your existing framework (framework ... that includes like your ontology, like your desires, your beliefs, values, character etc..) and so within that framework you create a system that would eventually change that framework that birthed it in the first place.

See, other people, when they come to this age (actually much later perhaps) just "give up" and they change in that regard. Experience teaches them to just give up. But I'm teaching myself to pre-surrender before experience teaches me to do it. And I did it using my existing framework and experiences that still left me with much hope to not give up.

...

I understand this may seem very complicated.

Oh, right. Yeah, okay. I wanted to improve myself initally, and I was looping with my strategies, and so I decided that instead I should seek change in general.

but then the paradox is that, my desire to change was going to lead me to a change that involved reducing my desire to change. WTF, how does that work?

Fortunately, we're not completely like robots and so you can undo your paradoxes by sheer blind will.

hmm, in a way though, this is just a more complicated form of giving up. I noticed I was looping and so I decided to "try something new" which was in fact just going "screw improvement"

but not everybody goes through that whole giving up process when they get older. Some ppl still think they're going to be golden gods.

maybe I should've picked a marbelization that didn't seek to reduce the desire for change. But that wouldn't be a truly fundamental shift in my character.

Like I could've tried to install a "compassion module" into myself.. I'm about medium levels of compassion. That would've fundamentally shifted myself... but then again, that may have had the same effect of possibly reducing my need for the goals in the 1st place.

well, I guess I don't have to frame "self-acceptance" as a form of absolute surrender. It's not that exactly, and self-acceptance helps you grow better than discontentment does.

hmm, yeah. heh, this post is just another one of my mind's attempts to disengage "self-acceptance" I should keep on trucking w/ "self-acceptance." I've been trying to get myself to accept myself for 5 months now, and only now do I think I'm at the core territory that needs to be operated on, namely, accepting myself in all those areas I wanted to change in the first place: "improving my social skills, improving my thinking, make myself healthier, be more successful" etc.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: What is happiness? Here is my definition lifted from Seligman, the psychology master. DATE: 2:39 PM ----- BODY: Happiness is:
1) satisfaction about the past
2) enthusiasm in the present
3) optimism for the future

All three are partially controlled by the actual content of events and partially controlled by your own perspective.

For example, in the case of satisfaction about the past, if you are in jail for child abuse, I don't think you could get over it mentally and be satisfied with yourself. Or if you are not in loving relationships or have no family by the time you are forty then it is hard to be optimistic and enthusiastic.

With regard to enthusiasm in the present, part of it is finding work to do that you are passionate about. Another part, though, is actively enthusing yourself about things.

Studies in cognitive therapy show that we can pump ourselves up about things. In other words, content <-> emotion <-> thought is a multi-directional freeway. Hardships can upset you and cause terrible thoughts. Emotions can cause you to mess up your life and create bad thoughts. And thoughts can ruin your emotions and distract your productivity. Everything affects everything in both directions.

The important lesson I learned is that happiness is half-perspective and half-good works. If you engage in commerce with the world you will have a much better chance at being happy. If on top of that, you are grateful for what you receive, you will be even happier. Same thing with relationships. A good partner will up your happiness a notch, but your active enthusiasm and emotional investment into the relationship will make you even happier.

These ideas are instructed from Seligman's Authentic Happiness. Check it out for an even overview of happiness. Note, I left out "pleasure in the present," an important piece of happiness. However, I doubt the people reading this have trouble with indulgence.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: A small success story of positive thinking in action DATE: 9:41 PM ----- BODY: Tonight was a case where I felt perfect doing the "positive thinking" thing. I woke up from a nap really grumpy on my way to dinner. As dinner was being served, I got worried that my nastiness would break out and kill the evening. So I told myself, "Okay Phil, cheer yourself up." Then my automatic response was, "But I can't!" Then I talked to myself again, "What would it take to cheer you up?" So I started scanning my memory for pleasant thoughts, looking for something that would set my mood right. It took a while actually because my grumpy-bias was making me only seek out negative thoughts. After about a minute, I did find a thought that really lifted me up. As soon as I visualized a friend who recently did something nice for me, I was off to happy land. The rest of the evening transpired well, I told a joke or two, and the bad mood turned out to be short-lived.

It wasn't necessarily the thought that lifted me up, but the whole process of scanning positivity. This digging through your memory for the good creates a tidal wave of optimistic intention. You want to make yourself feel good, and so your whole mind marches in step to that goal.

I've always heard of this practice of "positive thinking" but I could never apply it. My attempts in the past were usually either overkill or improperly timed. They were overkill when I tried to positivethink my whole day into bliss. This didn't work because it's a short-cut to happiness. Fortunately, our minds reject such tricks.

Another type of failed "positive thinking" is when I do it at the wrong time. An example would be trying to "be positive" when someone smacks you in the face. Responding with such surrender is akin to a "battered-wife" syndrome, where you aid attackers by ducking your head under the water for them. I used to do this around friends who I needed but who I couldn't stand. When they hurt me, I tried to "be positive" and shrug off the attack, without realizing that a better option would be to either communicate my feelings or leave the friend. This kept digging me into a hole with bad friends until I'd eventually lash out while they become surprised that I was stewing the whole time. What I learned is to not use "positive thinking" as a method of suppression. Some negative thoughts need to be felt, others do not. Be wise and know the difference.

My grumpiness situation, on the other hand, was a situation where my negativity was a meaningless, pure aftertaste from waking up.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: Move over Dr. Phil and Jenny Craig, humans need an exercise-regiment for the heart, not the body DATE: 11:55 PM ----- BODY: Physical exercise weakens the immune system and releases all sorts of nasty chemicals in the body, and yet we still do it. We engage in this willful self-damage because we are motivated by the reward. Working out our muscles and pushing them to their limits builds strength, makes us attractive, and keeps us healthy.

How come we don't give emotional exercise the same respect? How come we are not challenging our assumptions, personality, and character frequently?

The desire for a sound body, at least in America, is usually not motivated by health, but by vanity. A sound mind and heart, on the other hand, will make you happy. So where is the treadmill, Atkins diet, and 24-Hour Fitness membership for the inner-you?

Religion is a start. Even if people are just "Sunday Christians," at the very least they have an hour of reflection and redirection. Praying can be like exercise as it reestablishes your life's direction and reaffirms the values you truly endorse.

I hope to find a good exercise program for the self. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: How forgiveness can improve the meaning of your relationships DATE: 1:17 AM ----- BODY: Dale Carnegie, an early-20th-century pioneer in personality development, described a method for delivering censure or criticism to employees. In The Leader in You he suggested that before you criticize a negative fault, make sure you have mentally kept track of three strengths of that employee. This accomplishes a few good things. First, it keeps you honest and objective in your assessment of your employees, ensuring you aren't biased toward pointing out faults. Second, it pushes your management style toward encouraging the strengths of your employees. This is expedient because you can squeeze more from employees by bringing out their positives rather than suppressing their negatives.

This technique has implications beyond business and into your personal life by teaching forgiveness and gratitude.

Before you harbor a grudge or think about lashing out, see if you can come up with three positive traits of the target person.

Like in business management, this process produces several great benefits.

First, it makes it easier to forgive the transgression (should forgiving be the right approach). Second, since the person's negatives are buffered by many more positives, communication takes place more comfortably. Thirdly, this process helps you appreciate your loved ones.

Forgivness and gratitude, as Seligman and MANY others have suggested, are useful traits in obtaining happiness. So observe, analyze, and apply this strategy.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: How does the self-programmer deal with the command prompt that is the mind? DATE: 1:10 AM ----- BODY: Ah, cognitive therapy... I think that may be the knowledge base I'm looking for with regard to self-programming.

Check out the table of contents of J.S.Beck's "Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond"
ch6. identifying automatic thoughts.
ch7. identifying emotions.
ch8. evaluating automatic thoughts.
ch9. responding to automatic thoughts.
ch10. identifying and modifying intermediate beliefs.
ch11. core beliefs.

Cognitive Therapy started in the 60s and has now come of age as an equally effective alternative to pills in treating depression and anxiety disorders.

I see within Cognitive Therapy a wealth of information that the average person can use to kick their living up a notch: whether its intensifying the quality of relationships, reaching previously unfathomable heights of happiness, or seeking self-understanding.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: convincing myself I'm average DATE: 7:35 PM ----- BODY: I need to "come back down to earth" as they say. I walk around pretending I'm really special. I do have many signature traits that would be outliers in society, but I have at least five times as many traits where I'm really just average .

I think part of the reason I have trouble taking criticism well or why I am arrogant is because I act like I'm somebody and expect to be treated like napoleon.

So, here's what I'm doing right now.

I have a list of about 40 traits that I'm neutral on (helpfulness, sensitivity, optimism, neurotic, honesty... etc..) and then I pick someone who is much worse in that trait than me, and then pick someone much better than me. Then, I take each of those individuals and myself (that's three people total) and try to mentally manifest the trait as it is in those three individuals. The point is that by comparison, I'll genuinely feel like I am "in the middle"--that I am an average person on that trait.

A benefit of this exercise is that it will make me appreciate my superiors more, while giving me mercy and compassion for those worse off.

This kind of thinking, of realistic modesty, will also make me more willing to work with groups. Instead of thinking that I can do everything and pilot the ship, I'll focus more on tapping the synthetic group strengths.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: self-acceptance helps you work in groups DATE: 10:28 AM ----- BODY: Accepting yourself is an important aspect of being honest with yourself. The more faults you've accepted about yourself, the more faults you can see, and therefore the more complete a picture you can get of who you are.

I used to walk around with the notion that I was full of 100 strengths and very few weaknesses. Now that I'm accepting who I am, faults and all, I have a more complete picture that shows me with like 15 faults, 15 strengths, and 70 areas that I'm neutral on.

For someone as egotistical as me, that's a paradigm shift to the way I view myself: while I have those positive 15 that make me shiny, the majority of my traits are just average. I am just an Average Joe!

Having said that though, with this higher resolution perspective on yourself you can get a higher resolution perspective on others. Since you are not pretending that you are best at everything, you won't be afraid of recognizing the positive and negative traits in others. This is useful to help you work in groups, because it makes you value the strengths of others and recognize the complementary aspects that you all share.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: work better in groups DATE: 10:27 AM ----- BODY: I think I work better in groups. My greatest successes and my most exhilirating lunges toward building up projects has always been in the context of groupwork.

I've done a lot on my own, but my projects rarely takes off the ground without a team. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: be thoughtful in your responses DATE: 10:00 AM ----- BODY: whenever you are asked a question, be sure to pause. Even for a few seconds. At the very least it makes you look smarter; at the most, it gives you some time to give a thoughtful answer. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: on forgiving by accepting ppl's faults DATE: 10:57 PM ----- BODY: Whenever I feel like accusing someone of a wrong-doing, I need to keep in mind that they just may be unskilled or ignorant.

people, for example, step on my shoes all the time in conversation, and I get pissed off. I don't tell them, but in my mind, I harbor a hatred of them for treating me with such recklessness.... But then when i think about it, maybe they just don't know. Maybe they have no sense of sensitivity or they are just an uncouth person. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Philosophistry TITLE: on dealing with unwanted thoughts DATE: 10:15 PM ----- BODY: When you have thoughts bubbling into your head that you don't need to be thinking about, what do you do?

1) suppression doesn't work. try NOT to think of a purple cow. see!
2) talking yourself through or self-analysis is only so-so. You can argue with yourself only so much, but often that leads to dwelling

So my new method is to first establish my will with a little bit of initial argument. For example, I can't let go of something a friend of mine said to me last night. So I tell myself, "it's not important, thinking about it will only make things worse" once, and then let my emotions ramble on their own accord.

On the other hand, should the bad thought keep getting worse, then maybe it does deserve more attention. If it doesn't fizzle out in a reasonable amount of time, then maybe you need to take some kind of non-mental action or active analysis of the situation. If I still can't get over something a friend told me last night, then maybe I need to ask for an apology, or I should make a plan to stop seeing this guy.

On another note comparing self-thinking to other-communication...

If we go with the theory that active self-dialog is really just self-communication, then you can look to analogs of communication with others to figure out that this method of "letting it fizzle" might work.

For example, my friend comes to me with some political ranting. I could try to give him the cold shoulder, but that would only make him come on stronger. I could argue it out with him and get embroiled in the discussion, but that won't resolve anything, it'll just enflame things. Finally, though, I could tell him, "look, thank you for your idea, but I have a paper to work on, maybe next time." He may get mad and continue rambling, but he gets the message, and he'll eventually cool off. ----- --------