How do I break the habits that keep me from finding Mr./Ms. Right?
Some very good advice from grumblebee:
It's NORMAL to have 4 or 5 relationships not work out. It's also normal -- but often wrongheaded -- to look for some sort of deeply-meaningful pattern in the botched relationships. Of course you're going to look for a pattern. You feel powerless, and when people feel powerless, they look for patterns so that the universe doesn't feel so random. So that it feels manageable. "If I understand it, I can do something about it."Continue reading rest of the comment, it's good. I've fallen into this trap before.Here's the REAL pattern: for MOST people, their first 4 or 5 relationships don't last. A introvert will think, "It's because I'm too introverted." An extrovert will think, "It's because I'm too outgoing." An overweight person will think, "It's because I'm too fat." An honest person will think, "It's because I'm too guileless." And their friends (and sisters) will think these things, too, because they are also looking for patterns.
...
This goes back to a principle of mine:
Don't make a global change when a local change will do.
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The mind is software, and we are merely programmers. Where is the manual, though? Here is a site for people not only interested in self-help, but also the mechanics behind it.
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megan said on April 2, 2009 1:40 AM
I like that principle, especially from a programmer's perspective, and not from a "think globally, act locally" perspective (which I imagine is where most people's minds might go). I bet there are a lot of things that I've learned from database development that I never thought to apply to my "real life."
Philosophistry said on April 2, 2009 1:57 AM
Databases... I'm sure you could mine a lot of universal ideas from that field.Come to think of it, sometimes programmer-speak becomes so second-nature to me that I had forgotten that the "local change vs. global change" expression comes very much from my computer science background.